This morning as I watched my daughter wait for the school bus, my heart swelled. She slowly sauntered across the street, her red hand-me-down coat, getting sprinkled with fresh falling snow. She only looked back at me once, as she walked, as if to say "I am alright" or to check to see I was still there watching. She was the first to the bus stop. As she stood there alone, all I wanted to do was go take her in my arms and keep her close to me. I wanted to hold her as I did when she was a baby, keeping her safe from any harm. As the other kids arrived, Though I could not see from where I was standing, I new her face was bright with her quirky smile, the one that shows her newly missing tooth. I was happy that she is so confident in herself and I loved the fact that as she rode away sitting with the older group of kids that are her "friends" I knew she too was happy.
As I went back downstairs and thought some more, my heart was saddened at all that I have put her through. The many times we have moved and even this last move where she had to change schools. I remember her glossy eyes looking up at me telling me she will miss her friends. I also remembered feigning confidence when I told her she would make many new friends at this new school. I never doubted she would, I just dreaded the day when I would have to make her leave this school. I thought of all the things I put on her tiny shoulders, and all at once I regretted ever being the one to make her cry. She is my oldest and I am certain she gets the bulk of all punishment my young children endure. She gets hollered at first because the is the oldest and should know better. Yet she is only five! Where did get the idea that she does know better, and I need not teach her daily anymore?
I thought again of the sleep in her eyes this morning, after knowing how late she stayed up, having resisted going to bed several times. I thought of how I looked to make sure she was awake, only to find her out of her bed and snuggled into mine. I thought of the endless nights in the hospital, when she was just a newborn fighting to survive the hard blows that life had already dealt her. I knew how strong she was then, and how important she would be here in this life. I would trade her places in a minute if I thought I could save her from any hurt, but I know that is not a choice. I know that I am the one that needs to help give her the tools to succeed. Even though this morning it was watching her go to kindergarten, I felt the pain that only a mom can feel when she realizes her baby is growing up. I can not keep her under my wing forever.
She has been gone less than an hour and I miss her so much. I can not wait till she walks through the door, papers in hand, filled with pride at the hard work she had done. I can not wait to see the bright way in which she greets her sisters and the smile they have on their faces at seeing her too. I can not wait to hug her and hold her and tell her how much I love her, and her her say those words in return. I know we have been through a lot, and I vow to change that and give her more stability. I know there is not much more I can do, other than love her, and teach her the best I know how.
And as with all of my girls I never new it was possible to love someone so much. The way I feel about my children...the word love can not even wrap itself around the emotion.