Agony of being Me

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Madness...


Because I am mad does that make me a genius?
Because I am genius does that make me mad.?
What came first the madness or the genius?

I self medicate to bring myself down.
I self medicate to pull myself up.
Does this mean I am bi-polar?

I have been waiting so long for something to change.
Can I change myself?
Should I try to change myself?

I am what I am, that is what they all say.
But do I have to be happy with what I am.
I am sick of feeling numb.

I cut the flesh to feel pain,
yet the emotional pain is what I am running from.
Would I rather feel pain than nothing at all?

I know I don't belong in your world.
But the truth is you don't belong in mine.
You can't handle my genius.
You can not handle my madness.
I will never be what you expected.

Do not ever cry for me.
Be happy in your own madness,
I will be happy in my own madness.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

A Life Well Lived

Waking to your children, wide-eyed, watching Saturday morning cartoons, with syrup on their breath is a life well lived.

Driving on a mountain road, wind in your hair, your favorite music ringing in your ears is a life well lived.

Making love to your spouse as rain pours down and thunder claps in the middle of the night is a life well lived.

Finding yourself in personal reflection with a notebook and pen in hand is a life well lived.

Reaching a goal, trying to reach a goal or even realizing that goal is not what you wanted, is a life well lived.

Having a personal relationship with your God and knowing he loves you no matter what is a life well lived.

Talking on the phone with an old friend, acting like you are in junior high again, is a life well lived.

Working hard for the things and relationships you have, and treating them all with respect is a life well lived.

Finding the love of your life and doing everything you can to keep them, is a life well lived.

Watching your children achieve and picking them up when they fail, no matter their age, is a life well lived.

Lying on your deathbed with the ones you love near, knowing you will see them again, having absolutely no regrets, is a life well lived.

Distant

Your green eyes are so distant,
What worries are consuming you?
Drawn to memories of the past?
I know they are haunting me too.

So bright I know you once were,
Full of life, overcoming your fears.
Now the dark is taking over,
All I see are mascara stained tears.

Your distance keeps growing colder,
Is all lost with your pain?
Black poison enters your system,
Those green eyes dilate again.

Mocking synthetic heat takes over,
You crawl inside your personal abyss,
Killing that desolate monster inside.
I can not look at all the hours you miss.

You are not dead, I know you are just lost.
We will  not leave you forever in the dark.
With much effort the agony will subside,
The scars will only leave their tiny mark.

My green eyes are so distant.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Its been a while...

I have not really written for a long time here it is over a month since my last post and almost two since any updates. I guess I just lost myself again. On the 31st of January I went to the hospital to have the left side of my thyroid taken out. The surgery went well, but my lungs didn't want to recover from anesthesia. I was only suppose to stay overnight but ended up being there for four days. I think the pain meds I was on had a lot to do with it. The scar was painful at first and the left side of my neck was pretty tender. Even to this day I get varied numbness on my neck. But I am healed and even off of the oxygen after being sent home on it for a few weeks.

My dear husband started a new job and he seems to love it. He is in his third week and I am so proud of him. I fear that I might be the one to make him quit because he is worried about me. I know that is a dumb thought but there are times when I am not stable by myself. My anxiety kicks in and I get so overwhelmed and sick. I try to remember the times when I was more than this. I feel like some crazy hermit woman, paranoid of even the mailman. I think with him gone I put so many expectations on myself that maybe I shouldn't. I will be the first to admit that he has been taking care of the kids and I for years, I have slacked off in my responsibilities as a mother, wife and housekeeper. Now he is gone I need to dig deep and get it done, even when there are times I don't feel like I can do it.

On March 17th I went before a Social Security Judge to try once again to get my disability. I didn't even talk to the judge, he swore me in and then gave a fully favorable decision. So now I just wait for it to be processed, and I  will be bringing in some money too. I should be jumping for joy, but now I just feel disabled. I guess I always thought that I would be able to go back to work someday, but now I know that is not going to happen. I am just thankful for the little things though. Now I can focus on being that stay at home mom and wife and "work on myself" like everyone has said. What ever that means. I guess I will go ponder that...how do I work on myself?

Monday, February 28, 2011

The River

Wandering through a thick dewy mist,
white clouds billow around her,
kissing her cheeks with dampness as she walks.

Distant cries of loneliness and fear are her only companions.
Who makes these sounds? 
Who is filled with so much pain?

Lost, drifting unaware of what way is forward and what is back..
Where did she come from? 
Where is she going?

Ahead she hears a river, 
wild and thrashing at the banks and 
within the jagged rocks throughout its depths.

At its shores she knows she must cross.
For behind her the mist has become dark, 
dark and heavy, too much of a burden to bare.

She paces along the edge of the tumultuous water
seeing if there is an easier way to navigate to the other side.
No such luck is hers, for every way looks even harder still.

As she looks on to the dark water with white frothy rapids
it begins to enchant her mind,
beckoning to her to plunge into the depths and return not.

She can not visualize what is on the other side. 
More mist? More darkness?
More cries of pain?

This she does not know,
yes it could be better but the river,
it sings to her a sweet soft melody.

After sitting at the banks for a time
she decides she must try to cross. 
Gingerly choosing each step she enters the river.

What she thought would be cold and icy feels warm and pleasant on her skin.
The water reaches her chest and she feels it start to pull at her.
Her footing is lost and the river screams at her as it tosses her too and fro. 

Loosing sight of the other side, she lets the river take her.
It pulls her under, its beguiling song now terror in her ears,
as water begins to fight its way into her lungs.

The river mocks her now,
taking her breath and breaking her will against its unforgiving rocks. 
There is no fight left in her.

The river has taken another victim. 
The river has won.
The River has won.

Monday, February 21, 2011

The Dark Painful Tear...

Pain outweighs the ability to cope.
Where do I find any glimmer of hope?

Standing as I watch the world go round,
only to feel my feet sink further into the ground.

Four pairs of eyes sparkle, their smiles like mine.
Holding onto them tightly keeps me from crossing the forbidden line.

Is that enough? My demons jest...
It isn't a mater of if, but when I guess.

Yearning and hoping for a drastic change.
knowing these thoughts are dark and deranged.

It's not who I am, It is not me!
 I pray I can find who I used to be.

Who is she anyway, the woman in the mirror?
The one that sheds the dark painful tear.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Nightmare...

She looks at the clock, ho much more can she take
wandering inside this black abyss?
Her vision is clouded by ghosts of the past.
Fear...No terror runs through her veins,
like shards of ice chilling her to the bone.
She tries to scream, but words don't come,
lungs empty aching for air.
No one is there to help her through this maze
of twisted lies and hallucinations.
"Help me!" She call out over and over,
her words are nothing but mere whispers.
Not enough to penetrate the darkness
surrounding the vivid nightmare.
She reaches our for something, anything,
dying to hold on to something real.
He is there, the light fills her eyes.
He is there to save her!
No more wandering in isolation,
he is by her side.